


Illusions

by UbiquitousMixie



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-09
Updated: 2012-04-09
Packaged: 2017-11-03 09:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/379620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UbiquitousMixie/pseuds/UbiquitousMixie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>None of this is real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Illusions

She takes one deep breath after another, hoping that with each exhalation she may let go of the self-loathing that’s rankling her nerves. It stays with her like a rock in her chest, hardening the vacant space where her heart used to be before she left it on Caprica. She thinks, at times, that there may be remnants of feeling left behind, that she may be capable of love, but she knows better. 

Love doesn’t exist here anymore. It can’t. She’s lost it bit by bit, when her mother died, followed too soon by her father and sisters. She lost a little more when she received her death sentence. Any hope, any residual love she had felt, was extinguished by the annihilation of the human race. 

She can’t afford to care anymore, not when she has a job to do. Caring will only cloud her judgment. Her love won’t keep the fleet alive, not when she can’t even keep herself alive. 

She grimaces at the sound of a rustling body behind her. She tenses unwittingly, drawing her arms tighter across her chest in an embrace that does nothing to warm the chill that’s overtaken her. She continues to breathe. 

“Hey,” Lee says, his voice groggy from his unexpected nap. “Guess I fell asleep there.” He laughs, a little regretfully, and she can picture the sheepish grin on his face without having to turn to look at him. “Why don’t you come back to bed?” 

“That’s not a bed,” she replies, her voice a little more brusque than she intended. His ego is fragile, more than one would expect of the great Captain Apollo, but she’s not sure she can manage to hold his hand through this. It’ll only make it harder to do what needs to be done. 

“All right, so maybe it’s a couch…but there’s plenty of room here for two, if you haven’t forgotten.” 

She closes her eyes. Keeps breathing. She hasn’t forgotten what it felt like only hours before to have him inside of her. She will never forgive herself for giving in. It was better before, when she kept him at bay and resisted the primal needs of a dying body. It had been nice when it was only his lingering looks and charming smiles. It had been _safe_. And now that she let him in, he’s unleashed all of his affection and love and it’s making her feel like she’s suffocating. 

None of it’s real. She let him have a piece of her, and now she wants that piece back. 

“Are you okay?” he asks at last. When she does not immediately respond, he comes up behind her. She flinches when he touches her shoulder. “Laura—“ 

“You should go,” she says abruptly, crossing the room to shrug into her bathrobe. 

Lee gives a little breathless laugh, staring at her as if he’s expecting her to laugh too. “Did I do something wrong?” 

“No.” _Yes._ “This was a mistake, Lee. It shouldn’t have happened.” 

He recoils as if he’s been slapped. “This wasn’t a mistake. You know how I feel about you—“ 

“It’s not real, Lee. None of this is real.” She sighs in exasperation, rubbing her fingers across her weary forehead. “It’s easy to say you love someone when the world is ending. If it’s not me today, it’ll be Kara tomorrow, or someone else the day after. It looks like love and it sounds like love, but it just…isn’t. It’s an illusion.” She looks out into the bleak abyss of stars. “It’s all a lie.” 

He shoves one leg into his uniform slacks and then another, pulling them up over his naked hips. “You know, Laura, that’s really a nice little picture you’ve painted for yourself. Maybe that works for you, building yourself a wall to protect yourself from feeling something before you die.” He tugs on his tanks and then his jacket, leaving it unbuttoned as he stalks closer to where she stands. “But it doesn’t work for me, and you don’t get to tell me how I feel. The least you could’ve done was tell me you only planned on using me for a good frak to stave off the loneliness of being the dying leader.” 

There is no door to slam when he leaves, only the faint shift of the curtain. She stares out into the distance for several long minutes before she allows herself to turn around. She’s relieved that he’s gone, though the quiet is unsettling. 

She doesn’t sit down on the bed they’ve just frakked in, moving instead to sit at her desk. It’s easier to think here, where she can be President Roslin and not Laura. She wonders what it would be like if Lee were right, if it _was_ love, if it _was_ real. 

She sighs, takes a breath and then another. He chose her because she was there, because they survived together. If it hadn’t been her it would have been someone else, of this she is certain. How could he love her when he doesn’t know her, not really? He’s turned her into what he needs her to be; a beautiful woman, a warm body, and a source of strength. To him, Laura is just an illusion and he can’t see through to the woman who lies beneath.

The illusion is all that will remain, long after she’s gone. 

\---


End file.
